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Awards season! Pretty little liars season 1 episode 4 subtitles.

Yes this is when our critically acclaimed movies/tv shows/music get credit where credit is due. And while the debates range on about the necessity about these awards shows, I noticed one thing…

No Pixar in the Animated Film awards.

WHAT?! The company that gave us Toy Story and Wall*E isn’t on the list?! Why?

And then to my surprise, I found that BOTH of DreamWorks Animation films for the year, Kung Fu Panda 2 and Puss in Boots were both nominated in both the Academy Awards and the Oscars. Then I also remembered what Pixar’s movie was for the year.

Cars 2. The critically reviled sequel to Cars.

But while it has a Rotten Tomatoes rating of 39%, Kung Fu Panda 2 however gets a rating of 80%. Why is this? Having not seen ether movies in theaters, I decided to rent both and see for myself.

Cars 2: The plot is this. A World Grand Prix is being hosted by a car that has developed a clean alternate fuel source. Lightning McQueen joins after getting support from Mater and takes him along. Hilarity Ensues and Mater is mistaken as a deep undercover American spy by an the Britian spies (an old vet and the techy newbie). Can Mater stop a diabolical plot crafted by the “lemons” of the world?

Kung Fu Panda2: The plot is this. An evil peacock is stealing metal for a nefarious purpose. That purpose is revealed to be that he’s making cannons in order to take overChina by killing all those who would oppose him, namely kung fu warriors. And he seems to have ties to our lovable Dragon Warrior. CanPo stop him in time?

What’s similar between the two: Both are MUCH darker than their predecessors. Both have off screen deaths featured. (Cars 2 even begins with a car crushed into a cube! And it’s somehow still rated G.) And both have an obivious Ink Suit Actor, ie animated character based off of the actor playing it, as a protagonist. This is Cars 2’s determent, as Larry the Cable Guy just rubs people outside of the kids and the rednecks the wrong way. Kung Fu Panda 2’s Po however, while based off of Jack Black, still seems like he’s his own character and there were only two moments where Jack Black’s…Jack-Blackiness comes off as awkward. Also both are world builders. Cars 2 creates a world of vehicles for us to explore. Kung Fu Panda 2 introduces us to new masters and new cities.

Why one works and the other doesn’t: Kung Fu Panda 2 actually tied up lose ends from the previous movie and still left the groundwork ready for another movie. (And indeed, DreamWorks is planning on SIX movies for this franchise.) Cars was very self-contained though and it sequel didn’t prove well in this movie. I think part of that has to work with the “Be Yourself” message, which was done a lot better in (ironically) Kung Fu Panda. Basically, Mater shouldn’t change at all but it comes off horrible in the fact that he had no knowledge of other cultures. Isn’t that one of the things we Americans are accused of? And at the end of the movie, there is no change in the Status Quo. Spoilers! Mater could have used his skills of identifying parts and makes and models of cars to good use as an intelligence informant to the spies but noooo. He has to stay at home, where his hillbilly antics are welcome. Kung Fu Panda 2 has better moral that what happened to you before doesn’t make you who you are now. Instead it is what you choose to be now, that makes the difference. Not to mention a noticeable change inPo and Spoiler! the reveal that there are more pandas.

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So…do I hope Kung Fu Panda2 does well in the Oscars? Yes. Do I hope Pixar’s next film Brave makes up for Cars 2? Yes. Now if you’ll excuse me…I have a movie to re-watch!

As long as there are successful Hollywood franchises, there will be rip-offs. This is true in America, where companies like the Asylum have built an entire business model around making movies that look just similar enough to major blockbusters to confuse grandparents and stoners. However, it’s especially true on the international stage, where scrappy filmmakers all over the world have been abusing copyright for decades now. I highly recommend Remake, Remix, Rip-Off, a wonderful documentary about the anarchic world of Turkish cinema in the ’60s and ’70s if you want so see examples of some truly, beautifully shameless filmmaking.

But today, we’re turning our eyes to China, who have produced a Kung Fu Pandarip-off that looks like it clawed its way out of the deepest recesses of your nightmares. And because the universe is cruel (or because parents will confuse it with the other movie about the martial artist panda bear and will pick it up without knowing better), it’s getting an American release courtesy of Lionsgate.

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Known as The Adventures of Jinbao in its native country, The Adventures of Panda Warriorwill be released straight to DVD, digital download, and VOD later this summer. And oh boy, does it look…not good. Audiences accustomed to animated movies with things like textures and facial expressions and more than two recycled backgrounds will certainly find this inexcusable. And that’s before you get to the unsettling character designs, the dead-eyed lead character, the plot that is a brazen carbon copy of a certain DreamWorks Animation franchise, and the mere presence of Rob Schneider as the lead character. Schneider is backed up by a who’s who of people hoping to add extensions to their homes, including Haylie Duff, Norm MacDonald, Lauren Elizabeth, and Tom Kenny.

Watch this The Adventures of Panda Warrior trailer below. There is a moment where a pig propels himself into the sky with his own flatulence. It will be carved into your brain with a psychic knife. You won’t forget about it.

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Here is the official synopsis for the film, which clarifies that this film takes place in “Merryland,” not “Maryland,” which is actually fairly confusing in the trailer:

When Patrick (Rob Schneider), a peaceful soldier from ancient China, is magically transported to Merryland and turned into a Panda, he must join forces with Peggy the flying pig (Lauren Elizabeth), GoGo the daring goat (Haylie Duff), and King Leo the courageous lion (Norm MacDonald) in order to free the once-peaceful world from the tyranny of the evil nine-headed snake that has enslaved them.

The Adventures of Panda Warrior will arrive on August 2. The portal opens. The chants begin.

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